there's a meat market down the street

the boys and the girls watch each other eat

spinning

my head is spinning.
it's like i'm on a merry-go-round.
a merry-go-round spinning so quickly that i can't make it stop.
i can't get off.

everything i'm seeing is blurring together,
yet i can piece together some of the details
because it's all i see,
over and over and over, again.

i'm spinning,
and i'm thinking
and thinking and thinking.
until, i realize
i don't even know what i'm thinking about.

it's just one big blur,
that i can't get past.

i just keep spinning.

so.
on friday,
you asked me to think about some things.
i’ve thought about them,
and this is what i’ve come up with.

yes,
i know this is going to be hard.
i’ve known that since the beginning.
however,
i like you, and i’m happy.
i believe that feeling is reciprocated,
and i think you’re happy too.
i also don’t see that changing anytime soon.

yes,
this is going to be really hard.
there are more than a few people that would prefer this didn’t work.
unfortunately that group includes some of my friends and, at least to some extent, your family.
however,
my closest friends support my decision,
and at least i know all of the others care about me,
even if they have a strange way of showing it.
you seem to think your family won’t be a problem,
and i’m going to trust you.

yes,
chances are,
i’ll probably end up getting hurt.
but, when you think about it,
that’s the risk in any relationship.
someone always gets hurt at some point.
sometimes both people do.
that’s just how relationships work.

the main thing,
is that i’m happy,
and you’re happy.
it may be difficult to stay that way,
but i think we can do it.
obviously,
i want you to tell me if that starts to change for you,
and i’ll let you know, as well.

we spent the day in the nursing home over a week ago.
it was a sunday.
there were tears,
and there was sadness.
then, he was gone.
there were more tears,
and there was more sadness.
there were confused children
and poorly worded explanations.

i expected myself to cry more.
once i got home,
at the visitation,
at the funeral
i didn't.

but tonight,
at youth group,
the lights were dim,
hands were raised,
the air filled with song,
and i cried.

i appologize.
but sometimes
i'm weird
and insecure,
which
i think i've mentioned,
but i thought
it'd be nice to remind you.

sometimes i need a little reassurance that everything's okay.

you calling me that would make me really happy, as well.
i think you're worth it.

if you didn't already know,

my uncle has been really sick.
we found out he had brain cancer around christmas,
and he was given a very short time to live.
except, obviously,
thankfully,
they were wrong.

lately,
he's been doing a lot worse.
they decided changing his antibiotic may help.
except,
apparently, it didn't.
they have now decided to take him off of all medication,
aside from pain pills and such.
he can have as much of that as he wants.

i don't know.
it's weird
because i was never that close to my uncle.
but lately,
we've been visiting him every wednesday,
and it's apparent
that he really enjoys our company.
much more so than he enjoys the company of some others.
it's actually kind of funny.

a little less than a year ago,
i was explaining to my dad
how proud i was of my uncle
for turning his life around.
he hadn't missed an AA meeting in years.
he had picked himself up after the flood.
he was moving into a new house.
he was working out his drug problems.
he was fixing his relationship with his kids.

one minute,
his life was changing.
the next,
it began to slowly leave.

but.
he's ready to go.
and i think we're ready to let him.
we're ready for him to go to sleep
and not wake up.
that would be ideal.
we're ready for tears.
we're ready for sadness.
we're ready.

but what if we're not?
he promised my brother back in febuary,
he would make it to his first football game.
it started looking like that would be possible.
my brothers game is two weeks from today.
the nurses just let our family know
they don't think my uncle will last that long.
it probably won't happen in the next few days,
but it could very likely happen in the next week.
he may have two.
but, even if he's still around,
he probably won't be up for it.
so. that's unfortunate.

but.
at least he has something to look forward to.
something to keep his mind off of things.
something.

the thing that scares me the most
is that i don't know how i'll react.

yeah.
i don't really like talking about any of this.
so. if you want to,
you can try to bring it up.
and, i may decide i need to talk about it,
but i'll probably give you a short answer.
or, i'll change the subject.

but yeah.
this way, you don't need to ask.
you can just know.
or whatever.