not yet.

I'm not ready for this to happen.
I'm not sure if I ever will be.
I'm not willing to risk messing things up.
Please don't push me.

oh crap.

It's happening, I can tell.
I'm not sure whether I want it to or not.
I'm going to mess something up. I just know it.

Your face is pasty 'cause you've gone and got so wasted, what a surprise.Don't want to look at your face 'cause it's makin' me sick.

My finger tips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation, and I know that I should let go, but I can't. And every time we fight I know it's not right, every time that you're upset and I smile. I know I should forget, but I can't.

i went on a walk.

I went on a walk today, a little before nine.
I didn't think, I just walked.
It was beautiful outside.
Usually, when I walk around, I bring someone to talk to, my ipod to sing to, or something to think about.
This time, I didnt.

I went on a walk to somewhere, not that I knew where that was.
Once I got there, I turned around to go back, and I ended up walking somewhere else; somewhere being a mystery this time as well.
There, I just laid in the middle of the road.
I wasn't thinking about anything, I was just sitting.

On my way home, for real this time, I decided to amuse myself by telling a story.
It was a wonderful story about the invisible shoes I was wearing; I borrowed them from Heidi.

I had quite an awesome time on this walk, even though I was all by myself.
I came back much much happier than I was before leaving.

=]
How's that for a happy post?

Opinions.

I have plenty of opinions about this blogspot nonsense.
Except, I don't think I'll write about them.
If you really want to know my opinion, all you have to do is ask.

I Can't Seem to Decide.

You've changed.
You're not the person I knew.
I don't want to be close to the person you've become.

It hurts too much to watch you make stupid decisions if I care.
So I won't.

Except... I still do.
I can't talk to you without thinking about your crew, your booze, your drugs.
Actually, it pops into my head everytime I see you, everytime someone mentions your name, everytime I see one of your friends.

Go ahead. Do whatever the hell you want. Screw up your life.
Forget the person you were. Feed yourself lies you never would have believed before.
I shouldn't care. I'm no longer a part of your life.

Except, somehow, I'm still tangled up in all of it. At least, I feel like I am.

I really cared about you.
Part of me still does. I miss who you were.
I'll pretend I'm fine, but sometimes I'm just not.
I don't understand how you can change so much, so fast.
But you have.

I guess I'll just get used to it.

I suppose I should write about my vacation...

It was pretty awesome.
(I went to a ranch in Colorado, if you didn't know.)

I went with my dad, my brother, my dad's girlfriend, and her daughter.
There was a super cute little girl there. Her name was Aubrie. She was there last year too. She liked pretending to be my puppy. [either Cecil(after her grandpa's dog) or Polly (like wonder dogs friend? idk. apparently it's a movie)]. She also thought it was awesome that my name was in hers Au[bri]e. lol. She was super cute.

I also got to see my friend Dani, who I hadn't talked to since last year. She has a facebook now, so I'm pretty excited. =]

Basically.

We left Friday morning, we had plenty of time, so we stopped early in Paxton, Nebraska to eat and get a hotel.

Saturday morning we got up and drove to Denver, Colorado. There, we picked up Connie and Erin at the airport. We spent the night at a hotel. We checked into the hotel before we picked up Erin and Connie. While bringing in our bags, we met these awesome drunk people. We later learned they were there (along with a BUNCH of other people at our hotel) were there for a rock concert. When we met them in the elevator they had just been to the store and were all carrying a few cases of alcohol. One was talking about how they're bad at judging ages, so he asked how old Jon and I were. We told him. Right after that, he told us they're room number and told us we could party with them later, if we wanted. He then added my dad could come too, but only if he was a cool dad. (my dad was a little freaked out. when he went to the airport he made us promise not to leave the room or open the door for anything.)

Sunday, we finished our drive to the ranch. We went through Cottonwood pass, where we stopped at the top to hike for a little while. When we got to the ranch, we unloaded and unpacked.

The next morning, we got our horses [mine was Sundown, he was very pretty]. Erin got the same horse she did last year. She was waaaay excited. Sara Beth took us on the trail ride. She was super nice. We saw a black horse in the pasture, and we asked what his name was. Apparently, he didn't have one. [they just called him black or something] She let us name him Onix. [like the gem stone?] =] That night was the square dance thing... 0.o It was actually pretty fun though. Erin asked Wade out. [She's almost 8. He's in college- he works there] Aubrie was my partner. She had a lot of fun. [she's way cute!]

Tuesday, we went on a ride up to have breakfest on the mountain. Afterwards, the kids played hide and seek in the woods. Exciting. That afternoon, we went white water rafting. Our raft was my dad, connie, erin, me, and my friend dani. [Plus our crazy raft guide.] His name was Eric, I think. He was seriously strange. He kept forgeting our names and stuff. Later, he said something about how he was excited for the Science-Fiction Fair that's comming to Denver. My dad told him about the concert by our hotel, when he mentioned the ampitheatre. He said something about "not being into the music scene". I don't even know. He kept talking about how his parents worked at his college. He told us they met a lot of cool foreigners there. Then he was like "There's a bunch of Latvians that are actually taking us all to the Grand Canyon this summer. Oh yeah, I forgot. I'M GOING TO THE GRAND CANYON AND YOOOURE NOOOT!" [in a little kid voice] I just laughed to myself. He also used the word awkward a lot. I wish I would have counted. It reminded me of us in Junior High... He used it at very strange times though. Half the time it didn't even fit. idk. When we got to the break spot, he was skipping rocks with us. Dani accidently hit him with one of the rocks! It was way funny. =] We rode past this statue of a girl and he told us it was his girlfriend, but she didn't have a name. We named her Emily Jane. He probably forgot.

Wednesday, we finally got to lope. (Kind of like a slow run on a horse). Ryan had warned me Sundown went into a little more than a lope, but I was expecting a gallop. (One step faster.) I had done that before, so I wasn't worried. The first time, we went faster than a gallop. (I figured it was a full-out run). The time after that, he went even faster. I was like...holy crap. He did anything to catch up to the horse in front of him. While on that ride, we decided to play a trick on my dad. He always teased Erin that Sara Beth was lost on the trail ride, so Kallen [who was leading this ride] told us she'd make sure Sara Beth took our ride out that afternoon. Kallen told her to pretend she got lost. My dad definetly fell for it. So did Jon, who knew we were going to play the trick... lol.

Thursday night, we had the ride to Canyon Creek for the dinner camp out. On the way up, Hannah, Dani, and I played a game where we would take a twig off of a pine tree and toss it back and forth between us. We continued playing that game throughout the rest of the week. Jon spent the night at the camp, and everyone there played a huge trick on him. They convinced him there were man-eating birds called "Snipes". He was so scared he stayed in a tent with Elizabeth's dad, David and slept with a knife under his pillow. I'm telling you, my brother is GULLABLE. [gullable, gullible, idk.] I rode back early with Hannah and Dani in the back of the wranglers' truck. [with all the saddles] Some of the horses were running back, so I got to help Randi [she was the head wrangler] chase the horses into the right pen [Dani and Hannah were helping Kallen and Sara Beth make sure the horses didn't walk over the cattle gaurds.] Then we went swimming in the pool [it's really warm. fed by hot springs and cooled down with other water].

Friday was our last full day at the ranch. It was also the Fourth of July. That night, Dani and I threw goldfish at another girl from the ranch, Lauren. She didn't know it was us until the next morning. =] There was a group of people sitting in front of us. [Mostly guys. One of them had a skateboard, one had a Led Zepplin t-shirt, a lot of them had hats with the bill turned out. Smelled like smoke. I think you get it.] They were throwing small fireworks while the big ones were going off. There was also a group of sixth graders copying them. Dani yelled at the sixth graders. Something about it not being good for the grass...lol.

Saturday, we went on our last ride. (up to brunch on the mountain) We got a bunch of pictures. Then, we had to leave right away to drop Connie and Erin off at the airport. We drove all the way to York, Nebraska that night. We woke up at 6:45 and drove the rest of the way home. [we got home at about 12:25]

And that's basically it.

It's Finally Over

I've finally gotten to the point where I don't care anymore.
I'm finally happy about just being friends.
Actually, I have no desire to be anything more.

Finally.