so.
on friday,
you asked me to think about some things.
i’ve thought about them,
and this is what i’ve come up with.

yes,
i know this is going to be hard.
i’ve known that since the beginning.
however,
i like you, and i’m happy.
i believe that feeling is reciprocated,
and i think you’re happy too.
i also don’t see that changing anytime soon.

yes,
this is going to be really hard.
there are more than a few people that would prefer this didn’t work.
unfortunately that group includes some of my friends and, at least to some extent, your family.
however,
my closest friends support my decision,
and at least i know all of the others care about me,
even if they have a strange way of showing it.
you seem to think your family won’t be a problem,
and i’m going to trust you.

yes,
chances are,
i’ll probably end up getting hurt.
but, when you think about it,
that’s the risk in any relationship.
someone always gets hurt at some point.
sometimes both people do.
that’s just how relationships work.

the main thing,
is that i’m happy,
and you’re happy.
it may be difficult to stay that way,
but i think we can do it.
obviously,
i want you to tell me if that starts to change for you,
and i’ll let you know, as well.

we spent the day in the nursing home over a week ago.
it was a sunday.
there were tears,
and there was sadness.
then, he was gone.
there were more tears,
and there was more sadness.
there were confused children
and poorly worded explanations.

i expected myself to cry more.
once i got home,
at the visitation,
at the funeral
i didn't.

but tonight,
at youth group,
the lights were dim,
hands were raised,
the air filled with song,
and i cried.

i appologize.
but sometimes
i'm weird
and insecure,
which
i think i've mentioned,
but i thought
it'd be nice to remind you.

sometimes i need a little reassurance that everything's okay.

you calling me that would make me really happy, as well.
i think you're worth it.

if you didn't already know,

my uncle has been really sick.
we found out he had brain cancer around christmas,
and he was given a very short time to live.
except, obviously,
thankfully,
they were wrong.

lately,
he's been doing a lot worse.
they decided changing his antibiotic may help.
except,
apparently, it didn't.
they have now decided to take him off of all medication,
aside from pain pills and such.
he can have as much of that as he wants.

i don't know.
it's weird
because i was never that close to my uncle.
but lately,
we've been visiting him every wednesday,
and it's apparent
that he really enjoys our company.
much more so than he enjoys the company of some others.
it's actually kind of funny.

a little less than a year ago,
i was explaining to my dad
how proud i was of my uncle
for turning his life around.
he hadn't missed an AA meeting in years.
he had picked himself up after the flood.
he was moving into a new house.
he was working out his drug problems.
he was fixing his relationship with his kids.

one minute,
his life was changing.
the next,
it began to slowly leave.

but.
he's ready to go.
and i think we're ready to let him.
we're ready for him to go to sleep
and not wake up.
that would be ideal.
we're ready for tears.
we're ready for sadness.
we're ready.

but what if we're not?
he promised my brother back in febuary,
he would make it to his first football game.
it started looking like that would be possible.
my brothers game is two weeks from today.
the nurses just let our family know
they don't think my uncle will last that long.
it probably won't happen in the next few days,
but it could very likely happen in the next week.
he may have two.
but, even if he's still around,
he probably won't be up for it.
so. that's unfortunate.

but.
at least he has something to look forward to.
something to keep his mind off of things.
something.

the thing that scares me the most
is that i don't know how i'll react.

yeah.
i don't really like talking about any of this.
so. if you want to,
you can try to bring it up.
and, i may decide i need to talk about it,
but i'll probably give you a short answer.
or, i'll change the subject.

but yeah.
this way, you don't need to ask.
you can just know.
or whatever.

yeah, i don't make sense.

right after i come up with a semi-valid explanation for why i never write in my blog, i all of a sudden want to write in it all of the time.

but seriously. i wrote three blogs in less than two hours last night. that's weird.

i don't even know what i want to say. i just feel like writing.
so i'm sorry if this ends up just being pointless rambling.
although, that's usually how all of my posts turn out.

i really don't want summer to be over.
i really, really don't.
but it almost is.
so i'll get over it.
i'll be fine.

lately, i've been listening to a lot of stuff i haven't listened to in a long time.
like. today i listened to relient k. and jack johnson. and the lucksmiths. wth.
i honestly don't think i've listened to relient k or the lucksmiths since freshman year.
and i very, very rarely listen to jack johnson.
i've also been listening to the postal service.
i really don't know why i stopped.
and animal collective. and arcade fire.
that doesn't seem quite as unusual to me.

uhm. everyone should go see (500) days of summer.
reason being,
it's really, really great.
make sure you pay attention to the director's note at the beginning.
you'll laugh.

i'm in a really strange mood right now.
hence the excessive rambling.
i've been really happy.
except,
i keep second guessing myself.
which i'm pretty sure i don't need to do.
but i'm doing it anyway.
but yeah.
i guess i just do that.
i think that's normal.

it may not be normal.
sometimes i get confused about that.
this one time i was talking to jordan,
and i was telling her about a conversation/scenerio that i had played out in my head earlier in the day.
except,
she didn't know what i was talking about.
apparently it's not normal.
after thinking about it,
i realized that it's kind of like talking to myself.
except.
i do it inside my head.
and i'm pretty sure everyone talks to themself inside of their head.
because, isn't that what thinking is?
maybe it was only weird because i also think for other people when i play out conversations/scenerios in my head.
but, again.
i could be wrong.
i probably am wrong.
maybe i just think incorrectly or something.
it works for me though,
so. i'm okay with it.

i find people that need to know details about everyone's lives annoying.
i mean,
it's different,
when people care.
i just feel like some people only want to know so that they know.
which i don't think is okay.
but.
even when it's because they care,
i feel like there's a difference between liking
to hear about someone's life
and expecting
that you deserve to be told.

and i realize that the purpose of blogs is to let whoever wants to know
hear/read about personal things about yourself.
and i can't filter between readers that want to know because they care
and people that only read so that they know.
but still.
i realize that.
and i'm offering this information anyway.
so it's okay.

i feel like things are working out a lot better than i expected them to at first.
i was worried to see how people would react.
but.
the people i really, really care about,
have reacted well.
and i suppose i shouldn't have expected any less.
because,
if they really cared,
they would respect my decisions.
and they do.
and i'm glad.
so i've decided that i don't care about how anyone else reacts.
because these are my decisions.
and they really don't affect many other people.
i'm really only worried about one person's reaction.
because i'm pretty sure she doesn't know.
but i think she'll figure it out soon.
and she's the only one who really has any reason to be upset about it.
and i really like this person.
and i really don't want her to be upset with me.
but i figure it's almost unavoidable.
but hopefully it's only uncomfortable for a short while.
because, like i said,
i really like this person.
and i would enjoy it very much if she didn't decide to start hating me.
because that would be sad.
but. also.
i think she has a legitimate reason to be a little upset.
or uncomfortable.
about this situation.
so.
i guess we'll see.
what happens.
with that.

i started writing with nothing to say.
except then i found lots of things to say.
which is funny
because
sometimes,
that happens the opposite way.

i hope at least some of that made sense.

the past is the past.

and today is today.

i need to remember that.

also.

i told you that i didn't write in my blog very often because i didn't have anything to say that i wouldn't say out loud.
well, i lied.
actually, i just changed my mind.
i have things to say, that i won't say
mostly because i know
if i say them
or even write them down,
things would change.
or, i would say something else,
and things would change more;
i don't want to mess this up.

so.

sometimes,
i do this thing.
i overthink things,
and make myself paranoid.
i've been doing better at avoiding this,
and i've been happy,
really happy.
but, right now,
for whatever reason,
i'm doing it again.